I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…