Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.