I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
You Might Also Like
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”