I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
i’m still crying at this
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party