I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
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Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Breaking news:
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
channeling her this year
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
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