I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
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My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
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Every house has this drawer
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Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.