Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

Hmmmmm

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.