I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I’m crying im so happy for them
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep