I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.