I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
SF is the wild wild west man
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
This meeting could have been a cake