I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
