I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
aura
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
had to make it
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
