I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
the three branches of government
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*