I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
You Might Also Like
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
can’t bark with your mouth full
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Every work meeting this week
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.