Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

I think the cat got the dog high.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.