I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Scream sneezers need love too.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.