I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
weddings should have a worst man
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.