Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

5 ways to appear taller

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!