Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…