I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
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HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Attacked by a mop.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?