I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You Might Also Like
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.