I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
beware of dog
(jukin media)
