I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
