I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
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Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”