I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
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On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke