I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink