I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
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“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.