Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho