I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
“what that mouth do?” complain
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it