I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
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Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
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A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.