Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*