I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
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He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
is this a warning or an offer?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous