Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

😂😂

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

What about a To-Don’t List?

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings