@envydatropic

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

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@DeronH

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”

@tastefactory

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

@CerebralWreck

Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!

@WheelTod

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

@Marcmywords2

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

@3sunzzz

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

@aparnapkin

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.