So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
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A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!
Be Careful Driving
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.