I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
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[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.