Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take