Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

No laws when master is gone

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.