I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*