I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
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Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
good let them take over I have had enough
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
WTF
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense