Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.