I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Split the bill
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
oh my god
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.