Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

What?!?

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

God has abandoned us.

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

I need to update my racial profile.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.