I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Bread puns are on the rise!
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.