I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Now, where’s the sport in that?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]