I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
drew a comic about my origin story
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.