Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.