i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
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My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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