i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
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*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.