i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
weird email i got today
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”