I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
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It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Oops 🤭
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.