I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…