I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
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We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.