Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

Natural selection at its finest

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.