Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

True freaking story!

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

😂

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter