Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.