I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
You Might Also Like
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Home is where your toilet is.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Voting is the worst group project
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂