I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
🤣
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
That’s easy for you to say
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
