I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
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american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
oh you wanna fight?!
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Twitter fine art
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen