I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
You Might Also Like
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
time machine? you mean a clock?
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*