Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?