Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.