Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have some company

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

😂

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Kids, do not try this at home!

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned