Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing