I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
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just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line