“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?