“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
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When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*