“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
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My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.