“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
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Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
The best shot in the history of golf
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.