I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
You Might Also Like
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm