I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
sigh
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
that would 100% work on me
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.