Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

How it started How it’s going

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

every man in east london

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!