Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes