Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep