Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

I have a black belt in leather

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.