I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
You Might Also Like
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?