I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.


Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.



1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.


If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.


[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this


*First day in group therapy*

Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?

Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*

No, no I do not.


How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.


My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.