@PleaseBeGneiss

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

You Might Also Like

@CulturedRuffian

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

@markhoppus

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

@GrumpyComments

If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.

@KyleMcDowell86

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

@BlueOnBlack72

*First day in group therapy*

Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?

Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*

No, no I do not.

@david8hughes

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

@Darlainky

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.