Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
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My dog and I have two things in common:
We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas 🙁
How is twitter still free 😂😂
Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse
“You mean Centaur, right?”
Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised
Husbands: We have a cure
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.