I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

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Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.


My dog and I have two things in common:
We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas 🙁


Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse

“You mean Centaur, right?”

Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh


me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here


I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.


The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in


Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised

Husbands: We have a cure


Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.