I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
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*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”