I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
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My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Extremely relatable.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly